19.3.05

I don't know what to do. I would appreciate some adivice if you guys want to give it.

I feel:: hopeful
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Aerosmith~Dude Looks Like A Lady

I've been working through an employment agency for the past two weeks at a company here called Stephens Inc. I was working in the physical receives dept. It was ok, but the best part was the people that I was working with. I really liked them. I was sort of sad to leave them. Friday was my last day there. I have an interview this coming Tuesday at a company called Signs and Lines Graphics. From what I undersand, they are a graphics art company and are looking for an administrative assistant. We'll see what they are all about during the interview.

Last Saturday, I went to Ryk's apt because I spend time with him and his kids on that day every week. When I got to his apt, I noticed a car in the parking lot that I didn't recognize. I thought to myself,"That's probably Misty's car." (Misty is Ryk's ex and the mother of his children.) Upon closer inspection, I found two car seats in the back seat and I figured that I was right about it being her car. I thought for a moment before I went in that maybe I should leave. Misty doesn't like me at all, although she really doesn't have any reason to. We don't even know each other. We've never even spoken to each other. Then, I thought,"I'm his girlfriend. I have a key to his apt. I'm going inside." So, I went in and heard them talking upstairs so I went up. Ryk and Misty were standing in the hallway talking. I saw Ryk, then I saw her, then Xiana(Ryk's daughter. She is 3 years old.) saw me. She ran to me with her arms open and gave me a huge hug. I saw the look on Misty's face and she was not happy about that. Then, to make it worse, Richard saw me (Richard is Ryk's son. He is 1 year old.). Misty was holding Richard and he started kicking his legs, smiling and holding his arms out to me. He also called me "mama". So, Misty said she wanted to go downstairs and took the kids with her and Ryk followed and I followed him. Then, she saw that I was in the living room and took the kids outside and said that she wanted to talk to Ryk, so he went outside too. They started arguing and Misty was telling him that she didn't want her children around me. She was saying that she was going to take the kids with her and go back to Conway. I couldn't hear everything that was said, but I could hear some things that she said. They continued arguing and Misty was screaming at Ryk to give her her son. I found out later that Ryk was holding Richard and refused to give him to her. She threatened to call the police and Ryk told her too, so she did. While they were waiting for the cops to show up, Misty was still screaming and cursing at Ryk that she wanted her son. She wanted to leave with the kids before the cops got there, but Ryk wouldn't give Richard to her. Meanwhile, Misty had put Xiana in the car in her car seat. I could hear her screaming. It was so hearwrenching. I couldn't take it. I couldn't believe that Misty was going psycho in front of her kids. I felt so helpless. I mean, there was nothing I could do to help them. After a while, it got sort of quiet and I didn't know what was going on, so I went upstairs and peeked out the window. The cops had gotten there and were talking to Misty and Ryk. There were about four cops there. Eventually, the cops were only talking to Misty and Ryk was down the sidewalk a bit with Richard and he was walking around and playing. Misty had gotten Xiana out of the car and was holding her and she had calmed down and was not screaming. I couldn't hear what was being said, but Ryk told me later that the cops told her that they couldn't tell her whether or not she could take them with her or whether she could leave them with Ryk, because neither one of them has a legal document showing custody. They have joint custody. I was back in the living room sitting on the sofa when I heard Misty literally growl right outside the door and then she screamed,"I FUCKING HATE YOU!!". Right after that, Ryk came inside with both of the kids in his arms. He put Xiana down and she immediately ran to me and jumped up in my lap and put her arms around my neck. I just held her there for the longest time and talked to her and she talked to me. She told me that she was afraid among other things. She kept saying,"Mommy was mad." (That broke my heart again.) I had been crying before they came in and it was hard for me to stop, but I managed to because I didn't want the kids to see me upset like that.

After the cops left, Ryk thought it would be a good idea for all of us to go to the park because he thought we needed to take our minds off of what had just happened. So, we took them to the park across from the zoo. We took a package of Ritz crackers and let Xiana feed the ducks. There were only three of them and they weren't very interested in the crackers, but there were about 5 or 6 geese across the pond and when they realized that we had food, they swam with all their might to the side of the pond where we were. When they got out of the water, they were so agressive that they ran the ducks off. Xiana kept feeding them the crackers and walked around right in the middle of the group of them and wasn't afraid at all. Until at one time, she had a cracker in her hand and she hadn't thrown it to the geese, when one of the geese came up to her and tried to take it from her, but wound up nipping her on her leg. She came running to me crying and jumped in my lap ( I was sitting on a bench doling out the crackers.) saying,"He bit me!" I held her and told her that that goose must have wanted her cracker really badly. (Ryk was there the whole time, but he couldn't hold Xiana because he was filming her feeding the ducks.)We didn't stay at the park very long because it was getting dark, so we loaded the kids back in my car and went back to Ryk's place.

Well, all night I couldn't get that experience out of my mind. I kept hearing Xiana screaming. I tried to put it out of my mind, because Ryk seemed to have and I didn't want him to think that I was being silly or dramatic. I ate some ice cream while we were watching tv and I realized later that that was pathetic attempt to comfort myself. It didn't work. We went to bed later and I couldn't sleep. Ryk feel asleep though. I lay there in bed constantly reliving the earlier experience and hearing Xiana scream in my mind. It got worse and worse and I started to cry. I thought that I was going to have to lay there and cry alone. You know those bad tapes that play in your head? Well they were working overtime for me. I kept thinking to myself,"He obviously doesn't care about you. He feel asleep. You are going to have to cry alone like you always have." But then I reached for him and put his arm over me and that woke him up. I was really crying by then and he wanted to know what was wrong with me. So, I told him that I couldn't take hearing her scream like that. It was like when I heard her scream, I was screaming too. It caused me to flashback to my childhood and I was having memories of my mother. I couldn't control my body. I was shaking all over and my breathing was rapid and ragged. My muscles were spasming all over the place. Ryk didn't know what to do ( I didn't know what to do either for that matter.), so he just laid there and held me and stroked my hair, which was comforting. After about, I don't know, 45 minutes or an hour or so, I managed to calm down enough to control my breathing and only had intermittent muscle spasms. I eventually fell asleep from sheer exhaustion I think, but I woke up a few hours later with a splitting headache, so I took some Tylenol and laid back down. I fell asleep for about 30 minutes and woke up again when Xiana started crying. Ryk was completely passed out, so I got up and went to her bedroom to get her. I brought her back to Ryk's room to sleep with us. She fell asleep immediately, but I couldn't go back to sleep because my head was killing me. I laid there for a few more minutes and realized that it was useless to try to go back to sleep, so I got up and went downstairs. I sat on the sofa and turned on the tv. I stayed up until about 5am when I went back upstairs and mercifully fell asleep, but only for an hour because Ryk's alarm went off at 6am because he had to go to work that day. That was a bad night, to say the least. I hope it never happenes again. I did realize though, after that experience that I need some therapy, so I started looking around. A few days later Ryk told me that a girl he knows at UALR gets free therapy at the Dorcas House. So, I'm going to call them Monday and see about setting something up.

I saw Sally last night and we went to eat at an Italian restaurant called The Villa. I told her what happened and she suggested that I remove myself from seeing the kids on Saturday. She said that I should respect Misty's wishes because she is their mother. I don't know what to do. I love them and I love Ryk. I look forward to seeing them all week. I think they look forward to seeing me too. I don't want them to feel like I abandoned them.

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