20.2.05

I'm Scared

I feel:: scared

I guess I should begin at the beginning. Ryk took me out to see the movie Constantine last night. I liked it, but he fell asleep. After the movie was over, we dropped off his friend, Nelson, at his apartment. Ryk had been asking me to stay the night with him because he said that he missed me being there when he woke up and that he hated having an empty bed. So, I told him that I would. We got to his place and he made me pizza, which was nice. We started watching what I think was the Jay Leno show and they had this little old lady on there answering people's questions about sex. This one lady asked something like,"As my husband gets older, the less he wants foreplay. Why is that?" I said to Ryk, jokingly,"Don't ever be like that." He said,"Well, as long as you don't want to stop having sex." I was quiet for awhile and he said,"What's on your mind?" I said,"I have been meaning to talk to you about sex." So, basically what I told him was that I'm scared to have sex. I'm not scared of him. I don't know why I'm scared. I mean, he knows about my past, about all the abuse and such. It's not like I don't enjoy myself and it's not like I don't want to be with him. I told him that I hadn't been spending the night at his place for awhile because I was afraid that when I came over, he would want to have sex and if I didn't, he would pout and then I would have anxiety and feel guilty. His sex drive is way higher than mine and he wants to have sex every time we see each other. Granted, he is a lot younger than me. I don't know what to do about it and I don't have money for therapy, which would probably be an excellent idea for me.

Moving on, we fell asleep about 3:30am and I woke up about 6:22. I had the worst case of hearburn I have ever had. I guess it was from the pizza. I was also very nauseous and very dizzy. I happened to go the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had to do a double take. My pupils were so dilated and my eyes were so glassy. So, I went back to bed and tried to go back to sleep. I kept having dizzy spells even when I was laying down. I felt like my body was tilting and that I was falling. I finally fell asleep and woke up again at about 8am. I tried to sit up in bed and was so dizzy that I fell back down. I lay there for about 10 minutes and decided to try and get up. I sat up, and had another dizzy spell which dissipated enough after about 5 minutes for me to get up and walk around. I was still dizzy enough to have to hold on to the wall to walk. I went to the bathroom and looked at my pupils again. Still dilated. I was still nauseous too. So, I lay back down and fell asleep, thank God. I woke up again at about 10:30. Same as before with dizziness, nausea and dilated pupils. I decided to go downstairs and try to eat something. I ate some yogurt. That was a mistake. I felt worse after I ate. I sat on the sofa and watched the tube for about an hour and then I realized that there was no one at his apartment should I pass out and hit my head or something. So, I decided to drive home. I realize that was not the best decision considering my condition, but I wanted to be home with my dad in case something happened. I got home ok and fell into my bed. I have been up and down out of my bed all day. It is now 1:18am the next morning and I'm still dizzy, nauseous and my pupils are still dilated. I told my dad earlier that if I was still this way tomorrow that I would have to go to the doctor on Monday, but he said that I couldn't because he doesn't have any money for it. So, I'm fucked basically and I'm scared. I don't know what is happening to me.

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