15.11.04

What Erik Wrote To Me. Comments Anyone?

You know who you are...

I know you're here and maybe once in a while you come check and see what's new with me.

Or maybe you don't. I don't know because we don't talk anymore.

Do you know what it's like to really love anyone anymore? I don't think you do. I think you've forgotten what it's like to be able to just melt into someone and leave the hangups outside the door with the world.

I know I'm an ass. I know I can be selfish and opinionated and narrow of vision. I'm sorry.

You, on the other hand, can be judgemental, insecure to a severe degree, self-righteous, clingy, and whiny at times.

I still love you regardless. So, why did I break up with you?

Because you can't trust me. You said it yourself. I was a bad boyfriend in the past. Not because I was driven to do something big like now, but because I was screwed up over "A" and hated myself. I loathed myself in the capacity that no bucket the size of Jupiter could contain. I was terrible to you. I was a wall of self-destruction, taking all who crossed my path with me.

It took a long time and a couple conversations with "A" to deal with it. I'm over it and life is good. Except that you and I are not together anymore. My choice, I know. It amazes me even now that you ever agreed to let me back in your life beyond an acquaintance. For all the shit that I did, you opened yourself up to me.

Now, it seems the shoe's on the other foot.

I can't measure up to what you want, while you measure up so easily. You're intelligent, beautiful of thought and body, sweet, possessing a lovely singing voice, and fucking infuriating, particularly when you're right!

Me? I'll never be as attentive as you'd like. I've got too much I want to accomplish to drop everything when you have a panic attack. I dealt with the abstinence because you wanted it or needed it due to your spiritual beliefs. I agreed because you asked me to. I agreed because I loved you.

But you stopped being loving. A simple kiss on the cheek would've been enough to let me know. I was always the instigator and my affections were returned with all the passion of dead goldfish. It's like you get conflicted when I get amorous, as if God himself would kick down the door and condemn you to hell for having any feelings for me beyond brotherly love. "Sex is evil and a sin and when you get aroused you are going to hell" and all that religious bullshit.

I tried. I tried and in the end I lost it. I couldn't deal with it. When I left that message, I knew I screwed up. Better to talk in person, but I was so pissed off that I had to let it out. I had to let it go and clear my head so I could even drive home.

It seems like what you want is some nice Christian guy who only lives to be with you with his life on hold when you call. A gross exaggeration, to be sure, but am I too far off the mark? I have my belief, but I also have goals and plans. I wish you could be there when I do all of it, but you won't because you're sick of me. You're sick of my shit, as you so eloquently put it.

If I was so bad and awful, then why did you say nothing? I'm not gonna buy that whole passive-aggressive thing. That's bullshit to cover up what's really going on. What is that? I don't know, but the P-A excuse is used up on me.

I know I sound like I'm assigning blame all on you, but I'm really not. It's like the song says "There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys. It's just you and me and we just disagree."

I haven't called to talk to you because as far as I know, you'd rather not hear from me and I don't wanna pester you. Plus, I'm sure that Lanie and Tonya would rather put a bullet through my head and you've already met someone else who's more attentive than I.

Still, I love you.




...goodbye.

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