11.11.03

I Suppose It's Out Of Grief That You Hurt Me

But that doesn't excuse the fact that you did. You were my surrogate family and I loved and still love you and the fact that you don't trust me cuts me deeply. Nothing but a sincere desire to be of some help to you prompted me to call you last night. When, after the initial,"How are you doing?" was out of the way, I was knocked off my chair with the statement,"Are you calling because you heard something?" As a matter of fact I did, but out of love for you and out of consideration for your feelings I did not say that I had heard anything only that I hadn't seen you for a long while and was missing you. I only wanted to reinstate some sort of contact with you. To hide behind God and throw barbs at me out of unfounded suspicion and lack of trust is the worst thing you could have done to me. Oh, don't suppose you haven't hurt me in the past. When I was raped in 1996 and you weren't there for me; when I had a suicide attempt in 1997 and you weren't there for me; when I had lost my faith and you shied away from me. All of these things cut me deeply, but I have never told you of them and forgave you without your knowlege. Of course, I will forgive you this time as well, but now I know, without a doubt where I stand with you. I didn't need that lecture on trusting God that I got from you last night. I struggle with that on a daily basis. You spoke to me as if you had not known me for 13,almost 14, years. Do you suppose that just because I moved on with my life that I am untrustworthy? Do you suppose that just because I don't have contact with those people that you say are your friends and family that I still don't believe in God and talk to him on a daily basis several times a day? I have heard that anger is only a mask for hurt and you can be sure that I am very very angry with you. It took me all of today to figure out what this general malaise was. Now, I know that in your grief, you can't see when someone truly loves you and truly wants to be there for you. I feel betrayed and I have this constant lump in my throat that threatens at any moment to turn into tears. My hands shake as I type this and I have no desire to leave the house, but to cloister myself away from everyone and everything, but I can't do that. I have to go to class, I've already skipped one today. I want you to know that you've hurt me, that I'm angry with you and that it will be a while before I will be able to talk to you. I will still pray for you and for your family's terrible situation, of course, because I love you. But doesn't that show you just what measure of a person I am? I have never been a braggart, as a matter of fact, most of the time, my actions go unnoticed by you, but that has always been ok with me because God knows. But now, for the first time, I want you to know just what kind of person I am. I am extremely flawed, but I am extremely loyal as well. The fact that you can hurt me so much and I will still pray for you should give you some hint of me. I feel that I shouldn't have to explain all of this to you, by the way. I feel that you should already know, which is another source of hurt you have flung at me. I feel that this will end on an unfinished note, but I don't have the words, or the desire for closure at the moment.

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