23.2.06

Shootin' the Shit and Singin' Porno Songs

I feel:: amused
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: A Perfect Circle~Sleeping Beauty

Last week I was in Barnes and Noble waiting on Tanya and Sally to arrive so I could give them their Valentine's Day presents. I managed to make my way through the door with not a little amount of stares from onlookers as I negotiated my way around the magazine racks toward the cafe with my armload of gifts. I looked around for a table suitable for three, but there were none available and to my irritation, there would have been except for a lone woman, who appeared to be in her mid-forties, sitting at a table meant for four. So, I took the table for two and hoped that there would be an extra chair when the third party arrived. I placed the gifts on the small cafe table and proceeded to wait for my friends to arrive. While I was waiting, two other forty-ish women, with Barnes and Noble bags in tow, came to sit with the first woman. They eventually were all taking turns looking at a certain book and having quite an animated conversation, albeit under their collective breaths, about it. I didn't really pay them too much mind, because I was still so irritated that I had these gifts sitting on a table that was too small for them and only one other chair available when I needed two. In my mind, at that moment, it was that one lone woman's fault that I didn't have the thing that I wanted. I know it's an irrational thought, but everyone is entitled to irrational thoughts sometimes. Right?

After a few more minutes of intense conversation and passing of the book, the three women got up to leave. Relieved, I moved my things to the larger table only to discover that it was sticky with sugar and coffee. Releasing a very audible sigh of disgust, I went in search of a table rag, but there was none to be found. So, I was left to my own devices, which can sometimes be....interesting. Suffice it to say that the table got a spit bath with a paper napkin compliments of me. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that that is so disgusting, but I figured since I was the one using the table at the time and that Sally, Tanya and I have all exchanged spit through sharing one another's drinks and eating after one another so many times over the years of our friendships, that it wasn't really that big of a deal. Anyway, that's my rationalization and I'm sticking to it.

As I settled myself into my chair at my newly larger and spit-bath cleaned table, I noticed that there was a book laying on the table which evidently the last group of ladies had left. It was a rather small book, thin, with a shiny black cover. When I looked at it the first time this is what I saw: A naked man photographed with his naughty bits strategically covered and the title in a large, white font, 'BLOW HIM'. Of course, you know, that I had to pick it up just to see if what my initial impression told me was right. It was. What I didn't notice; however, was the much smaller word under the large title which was, 'Away'. So, the whole title was 'Blow Him Away' and then in much, much smaller lettering at the bottom of the front page: "How to give him mind-blowing oral sex."

How could I NOT open this book? I perused it while waiting for Sally and Tanya to arrive. Sally was the first to get there and I immediately shared the contents of what I had found in the book. She grabbed it out of my hand and started flipping through the pages laughing. We eventually got to the back of the book where the authors had conveniently put illustrations to go along with the instructions on various ways to become the ultimate fellatrix. A few of the titles: "Going to Church", "Sword Swallower" (which produced in me a volley of very uncontrollable giggles), and "Deep Throat". The illustration for that one had the woman lying on her back with her head hanging upside down from the end of the bed. I thought, "Not only would that make me vomit, it would most likely make me super dizzy." I told this to Sally to which she responded through giggles, "It would make me vomit too!" We also came upon a technique without an illustration called "The Cotton Candy Stretch". I won't describe it for you, but I will say that it reminded me of my times at the dentist's office where when he would finish doing whatever he was doing in my mouth, would say, "Ok, now spit." Then, invariably I would get this long line of spit connected from my lip to the little sink beside the chair.

Tanya arrived a bit later after we had had our fill of the informative little book. They both opened their Valentine's Day gifts from me and as we were in conversation, I looked across the table at Tanya and said smirking, "You know, I found the most interesting book sitting on the table when I sat down here." She looked dubious and said, "I'm almost afraid to ask what it was." I produced the book, she took one look at the title page and flipped it over quickly with a flourish while putting her other hand over her mouth, giggling. Her face was crimson. So, then Tanya got a little slide show of the informative illustrations and instructions that Sally and I had previously read which produced in her not a little embarassment.

At the end of the night, all three of us were holding our stomachs from laughing so hard. Even though it was a bit embarassing to read in public, I actually thought about buying it just for the information. I was also thinking that I wished I had had it for my Psychosexual Behavior class I took a couple of semesters ago. It thought it really was an interesting book despite the fact that I giggled all through it like a schoolgirl. I suppose that no matter how old I am, I'll always in some ways be that little giggling girl.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home





Listed on BlogShares Personal Top Blogs blogarama - the blog directory My BlogMad Ranking



Add to Technorati Favorites Subscribe with Bloglines

Subscribe to
Posts [
Atom]





Web Pages referring to this page
Link to this page and get a link back!


Creative Commons License

Powered by Blogger






My blog is worth $3,387.24.
How much is your blog worth?

online